A safe, just and equal world for women

I found a girl’s name on his phone. On top of that, I was getting messages from women saying that my boyfriend had been contacting them.
Despite the fact that he was the one lying to me, he was the one who had a real jealousy problem. I was popular, had male as well as female friends. He didn’t want me to speak to any other men and would often call me derogatory names like ‘slag’.

One occasion, we went to Notting Hill Carnival and he got jealous because I said hello to someone I knew, who happened to be male.
When we got home, my boyfriend abused me for three hours, slapping me and pushing me around while my daughter was in her bedroom, aware of everything going on. I finally managed to trap myself in the bedroom with her, while we waited for the police to arrive. It was this incident that led to social services getting involved and me losing custody of my daughter to her dad.

A few months later, we were in a pub watching the football. Again, he got jealous and when we got back to mine, he lashed out again. Slapping me round the face and accusing me of flirting. I had to get my sister round to help me get him out of my home, and I broke up with him. Determined to never get back with him. But, I did. Because I had the trauma bond.

In October 2023, I was in a pub, and my partner came in and started being aggressive towards me. I called the police but by the time they arrived, he’d gone.
The following February, he punched my leg and broke my phone in another jealous rage. I called the police again after he left and then managed to get an injunction out against him. Six weeks after that incident, I went back to him. He had such a hold over me, and that hold made me need him. Something I’d bitterly regret.
When he tried to strangle and suffocate me while my dad who has dementia was staying with me, I called the police. He was on the loose for three weeks before finally being arrested.

I was terrified during that time. So scared, I couldn’t eat. While I appreciate the police are busy, I don’t think this is a good enough reason why such a violent man – a man with a history of violence – was not arrested a lot sooner. My ex has been charged with five offences including assault, non-fatal strangulation and breaches of non-molestation orders, and remanded in custody until his trial.

I’ve so lucky that I have a supportive boss and I’ve been able to carry on working as a TA in a school despite all the stress I’ve suffered. Work has been a blessing in terms of taking my mind of it all a little.

And the support of the Domestic Abuse Health Advocate at Advance has been a lifesaver. A friend of mine who survived domestic violence told me about Advance, said the charity had been so helpful to her, and that has totally been my experience too. I’ve spoken to or texted with my Advocate every single day and know she’s always there for me. I have ADHD, and my Advocate is always so calming and supportive. She’s also chased up the police for information, when I felt like they weren’t telling me anything.

I feel like my life is in a limbo until the court case, but I’m just trying look after myself and get myself strong for the trial where I will be supported by my Advocate, something I am so grateful for.